Musings about the Men that approach Women

Women, especially women who are attractive, intelligent, sporty, and fun-loving, get lots of attention from guys. Usually too much attention. So what's a girl to do with all these unwanted suitors? Out of necessity, they develop strategies of dealing with them. In addition to all the conversations they have with their girlfriends about this plight, I want to add a few reflections to this perpetual theme.

First, we'll put guys into one of three categories:
1. Creepy
2. Socially Awkward
3. Socially Skilled
Within those three categories, there is a huge range of attributes, traits, personalities, and styles. Those I'll address another time. For now, I just want to focus on these three types.

What should women do when approached by creepy guys? Basically, anything they can to get rid of them. That may call for avoidance, direct rejection, or some combination of both. Nothing good can come from interacting with them. The only hope for a creepy guy is if some of his friends (if he has any) can talk some sense into him and straighten him out. That is not the job of a woman who has just met Mr. Creepy.

Creepy guys are a clear-cut case. Stay away, period. What about the socially awkward guy? He says all the wrong things at all the wrong times. He cannot interpret body language, non-verbal cues, or eye contact. Mr. Awkward may appear emotionally needy and lacking self-confidence. Or he tries to compensate by acting arrogant and condescending. He may be intelligent, but he may come off as a know-it-all. He talks when he should be listening. He is silent when he should be asking questions. Mr. Awkward might not have the slightest clue as to how to dress, how to introduce himself, or how to make interesting and lively conversation. Social situations intimidate him.

Since many socially awkward guys make women feel uncomfortable and awkward, should they use the same avoidance strategy that they employ with creepy guys? Here I would reply with a resounding "no." Socially awkward guys are at a crossroads. They are either on their way to becoming socially skilled, or becoming creepy. How people interact with them plays a big part in the course of their development.

Primarily, it is up to one's friends to help someone become socially skilled. Unfortunately, many socially awkward guys are surrounded by socially awkward friends, which gives them few places to turn for advice. Therefore, I have a proposal: if you do have social skills and get along well with women, I challenge you to be on the lookout for awkward guys. Obviously, you don't have to look far. You don't need to be their best friend or tun them into your clone, but making some discreet observations, pointing out egregious mistakes, and giving general encouragement can go along way.

Women, you too can contribute to this effort. When you encounter Mr. Awkward, don't treat him like Mr. Creepy. Engaging him in conversation is obviously somewhat uncomfortable, but you can have some fun with it without being condescending. When they ask for your contact info or ask you out, be bold enough to politely turn them down. Don't say "maybe" when you mean "no". Guys appreciate candor, even if it's not the message that they want to hear. Save your avoidance strategies for Mr. Creepy.

Moving on with our discussion, the greatest intrigue is with the socially skilled guys. They know how to read non-verbal communication, body language, and eye contact, so initial interaction with them is usually flirty and fun, not awkward at all. The trouble with them is not ease of conversation, but in determining which of these guys are worth pursuing. Socially skilled guys fit into three categories: Jerks, Pretty Good Guys, and True Gems.

Jerks are prevalent, especially from the perspective of women, since Jerks typically approach women far more often than other guys do. When Jerks meet rejection, they just move on to their next target, making themselves known far and wide, to the detriment of all humanity. Strikingly, some women actually date them, which only encourages them to keep up their stupid act.

Pretty Good Guys (PGG) are a much more interesting case. They are fun to be around, but there are certain flaws and incompatibilities that pursuing a relationship with them is bound to flame out. It's only a matter of when. Friends of the couple usually see the inevitable decline long before the couple does.

Dating a PGG is perfectly understandable-- everyone like the companionship and intimacy that comes with dating. The trouble, though is that when a woman is with a PGG, she may miss out on True Gems. Given that one encounters True Gems rather infrequently, a woman would have to be willing to be singles for significant chunks of time to endure she's available for the right time for the right guy. And since True Gems are in high demand, a woman is likely to experience fierce competition for his affection. This scenario may lead to frequent frustration, perceived failure, and crushed self-esteem.

If a woman doesn't like being single while waiting for the big catch, she could adopt other strategies. She could go back to dating a PGG, using him as a self-esteem builder. It's satisfying to feel desirable and wanted, and if she is higher-quality than he is, then she can usually decide when to begin and end that relationship.

Another intriguing possibility is to befriend Mr. Awkward. The advantage here is that she will not experience competition for him, and with some polishing, there's a chance that he could turn out to be a True Gem. That's still a rarity of course, since most of them can only achieve PGG status. But the upshot is that Mr. Awkward rarely becomes a Jerk.

These musings are a product of my observations. How do yours compare? Write me an email with your reflections. This topic is much better dialogue than monologue.