In exactly one month, I will take my Ph.D. oral qualifying exams. This is one of the biggest hurdles of my graduate student career, second only to the dissertation itself. I have studied with machine-like efficiency for five months, and I have learned more in this short time than I ever thought possible.
However, these Herculean efforts do not come without a price. To put it succinctly, studying at this kind of intensity is dehumanizing. As the number of books has piled ever higher on my desk, my mind has likewise become cluttered, making it difficult to remember people's names or even where I parked my bicycle. My social skills have deteriorated as mental fatigue inhibits my ability and desire to initiate conversations. Day by day, I feel myself becoming more isolated. Though very little study remains, my motivation is even less.
For close to three months, bicycling was a great escape from studying. But after 2000 miles of riding this spring, even that became a chore. Likewise, International house has provided me with many great experiences, but when spring break rolled around and I stayed here to study, I felt a sense of intense loneliness. Where should I turn? None of my books can give me a hug. And as much as I love my bicycle, it doesn't love me back.
I am extraordinarily grateful to have friends like Nick and Dean to help me through the rough patches. I like hanging out with Dean, because he is always as cool as a cucumber; we can talk about baseball, cricket, and assorted American cultural phenomena for hours on end, and it never gets old. With Nick, when I was feeling like garbage the other day, he helped me gain some perspective on my oral exams, reminding me that my professors are only role-playing as my "adversaries" this semester. After the exam is over, they'll revert back to being pillars of support. Likewise, I too am rehearsing for a role in a performance, one in which I emphasize my strengths, sidestep my ignorance, fend off attacks, and stay quick on my feet.
Writing this posting has been particularly difficult this evening because my brain feels like swiss cheese, and I can only concentrate for short periods at a time. Let me conclude by saying that I will rely heavily on my friends during the next month, and they will carry me over obstacles that I cannot make it through myself. I am grateful to all of you for your encouragement and prayers. Keep in mind the following dates:
Saturday, April 28 Devil Mountain Double Century, my ridiculously long bike race http://quackcyclists.com/Dmd07/Dmd2007.htm
Monday, May 14 2-5pm My date with destiny, the oral qualifying exam
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5 comments:
Hey Tom - good luck with studying, and try to keep things in perspective. Although I can't compare orals in IB and orals in History, if yours are anything like mine, they'll be an extended conversation, where you talk about what you DO know, and the purpose of the questioning is to identify the limit of your knowledge, *whatever it is*, even if you were the chair of the department yourself. Everyone has a limit; they just want to see where it's at, and if it's appropriate for this stage of your career (i.e. you're *not* department chair - yet). If it's like IB, they also want to see HOW you handle new territory and difficult questions, not so much THAT you know the answer to everything in the book.
I found my conversations with people of all kinds to be some of the best preparation I did for orals - to get practiced at discussing what's important to me, how key concepts in my field were formed, and relate, and are applied, and why they're important. Conversations with people outside my field, or even outside academia, were exceedingly helpful. As far as dealing with orals-type pressure, I highly recommend a mock orals with students who have passed. I found this useful for just getting accustomed to the "format" and also the duration - sitting across a table from four people asking me questions, working on the blackboard, thinking of relevant examples and diagrams on the spot, and just hanging in there for 3 hours. Oftentimes, students are harder than the faculty!
I also think one of the distinct advantages I gave myself was a positive frame of mind, and I had it before entering Berkeley, knowing that I'd have to do a big exam. I love talking about what I love, and I'm always surprised at how much I DO know - it's just packaged so neatly into a few ideas that day-to-day it can feel like I know very little. And with your experience and how hard you're studying - much harder and longer than I did!! - I know you know a helluva lot, and if you're even semi-adept at conveying what you know, you'll do fabulously!
Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Pass or fail, there is life - your life! - after orals, and there are many opportunities both roads.
Tom,
Beautifully written and it is certainly obvious that your self doubt and feelings of isolation are manifesting themselves while you are also maturing as a scholar. You chose this path for a reason, you knew it would be isolating at times, but you also knew you would be great at it. Don't lose sight of that in the long run, even if the tower of books (which is starting to block the natural light over my desk, so I cannot wait until you take your orals...) might be overwhelming right now. And even if you don't have time now for hugs or bike rides, who _couldn't_ love a PhD candidate in history of evolutionary biology who bikes around in circles? :)
Hang in there - you'll make it, you will serve as an inspiration to those of us just starting the trek through the PhD program, and I predict you will persevere with grace.
E
Hey Tom! Hang in there! I totally understand the feeling of having a brain like swiss cheese, as that is how i felt last May and then again in October....
Just remember that your advisors want to pass you. They would not let you defend if they did not think that you were ready for it. Feel free to call me at any time if you want to complain about the process, or if you just want to talk...about anything (history or otherwise). In the meantime, go easy on yourself. You may scream, cry, forget things and names, and that is ok!! We all go through it! This too shall pass. (as will you...) I have NO doubt that you will pass with flying colors, so just keep your head up, and know that we all believe in you! :)
keep on keepin'on, friend. the post-exam barley malted beverage never tasted so good. i'm back in cali so i hope to see you sometime this week.
years from now you will look back and see only one set of footprints in the sand. Your rock solid faith in the Lord will carry you through. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Love Dad
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